Logan's Story: From Mom's Perspective

Background Music: Give Thanks

In the winter and spring 1994, I kept a journal of my spiritual growth. In it I had a reoccurring theme. For some reason I felt God was preparing my heart for something tremendous. I couldn't tell if it was terrific or terrible. I only knew that I had a feeling of anticipation, or was is dread?!.

My husband, Jody, and I had three wonderful children: two boys and a girl. We felt our lives were complete. All were in school and my husband and I both had jobs we loved. I was a preschool teacher and my husband a pork producer and farmer. We thought our future was set. Then, I became pregnant (unexpectantly!!.) Fearing a more dreadful reaction than my own, I didn't tell Jody for more than three weeks. He was very loving and reassuring when the news was finally broken.

An abundance of joy was expressed by our children when they heard the news. A new life added to the family was an exciting prospect for all three of them. But, it wasn't meant to be. We had a miscarriage in April of 1994. We all grieved for what would never be. The kids often spoke of wanting another sibling. I didn't want to risk the sorrow again. Especially, when I really did enjoy my job. Staying home with my babies was important to me. Doing both would have been too difficult.

Soon after this I lost my grandmother, whom I loved dearly. Surely, these two huge experiences were what God had planned for me all along. Little did I know this was not the tremendous event I felt God was preparing me for. God used this event to lay the foundation for the job He had in store for our family further down the road.

A change in my teaching position happened in August 1997. I was so thrilled to move to the 5th grade. I often told people, I had done such a good job is preschool, I was promoted straight to the fifth grade. Beginning any new job requires a lot of time, effort and concentration. This was definitely true for me. So much so that it was the end of October before I realized that two months had gone by without the normal biological occurrences.

I was bewildered. What was I going to do with four children and a job that required a remarkable amount of work? A lot of praying and that's what I did!

It wasn't an easy pregnancy by any means. Between the gestational diabetes, kidney stone attacks, and sore, stiff joints, I didn't know if I was going to survive. I remember telling Dr. Ryan, my OB/GYN, that this pregnancy was different than any I had ever experienced.

Somehow, everyone must have sensed the difference. Three baby showers, two of which were surprise, were given. This is uncanny for the fourth child. But, we were very appreciative since we'd dispensed all baby items several years earlier.

Dr. Ryan and I discussed the Alpha-fetoprotein Testing and genetic counseling. Jody and I felt there was no need. We wouldn't be able to change the outcome and didn't want the risks of an amniocentesis in advance. Dr. Ryan respected our wishes. In retrospect, we'd have done the same again.

Finally, the blessed day came. The very evening of the second surprise shower, I went into labor. They scared him right out of the womb. That was their plan all along. That's what they reported to me at the shower anyway.

Labor went smoothly, but delivery was hard. We joked that it was because of my old age. He was born a short, chubby 7 pounds 14 ounces, and 19 3/4 inches long.

Soon after birth, Logan began having trouble maintaining his body temperature. I wasn't able to hold him for very long. His temperature would drop and he'd have to go back into the warmer. He had a tremendous amount of trouble nursing. I had breastfed the other three with no trouble. The problem was quite confusing to myself the nurses and the lactation consultant.

Logan's blood test results were unusual. Dr. Hermann, his doctor, decided to call the Neonatalogist in Columbia, for advice. After several hours Logan's breathing was becoming extremely labored. Dr. Hermann felt he should be transferred to a major medical hospital just in case his condition worsened.

An ambulance transferred Logan, less than 12 hours old, to Columbia, with his mom and dad following close behind. I was lucky enough to have recovered well enough to be dismissed. Dr. Ryan was concerned; but she knew there'd be no stopping me. So with strict orders to follow, she allowed me to go with Logan to NICU.

The doctor and staff were efficient, and caring, at the NICU. After less than a half hour. Dr. O'Conner, the neonatalogist, sat Jody and I down in and explained that Logan had a heart defect. He wasn't sure the extent of it yet; but he felt it may require surgery. The breathing and nursing difficulties were due to his heart and lungs having to work so hard. He was put on IV's, oxygen, and a feeding tube. He went on to explain that he felt the reason for these conditions were due to Down syndrome.

I remember going numb and looking over at Jody who appeared to be numb as well. A plethora of emotions flooded me. For a fleeting moment, I felt that this wasn't really happening. I was terrified Logan might not survive. I was fearful someone would try to take him away from us and put him in an institution. My heart cried at the thought that people would make fun of him. I wondered what my dad would think about his namesake having Down syndrome. I worried about our three children at home: how they would react, what they would do if we had a lengthy hospital stay. I decided to focus on the heart condition and do like Scarlett O'Hara and worry about the rest tomorrow.

Our whole family convinced ourselves that the doctors were wrong. The chromosome tests would prove Logan didn't have Down syndrome. After all, he looked so normal. The nurses allowed me to hold Logan at bedtime during his tube feeding. These sessions kept me sane. The second night I held him; I was hit with the realization that the doctors were right. I looked up at Jody and I could tell by the look on his face that he experienced the same knowledge the exact same moment I had. Neither one of us said a word.

The next morning was Sunday. We decided to find a church to attend. There was one within walking distance. I asked Jody if it would be selfish to pray that the test would report he didn't have Down syndrome. He replied, "of course not." I knew I should be praying, "thy will be done," but, I could only think of myself and Logan. During that service, God revealed to me that Logan did have Down syndrome and that everything would be all right. He had a plan; and that we needed trust Him. After the service, I shared my experience with Jody. He said he knew as well and that things would be fine.

When the test results confirmed what we already knew. That night, while our whole family gathered around Logan's bed, Clinton, our 10 year old, made a profound statement. I had just entered the room and Clinton looked up at me and said, "You know what? Logan has Down syndrome." He said it such a nonchalant way that he could have easily have said, "You know what, he has black hair." I thought to myself, I can learn a lesson from him. It's no big deal. It's just a matter of fact. I felt instantly better.

Although, I grieved for the baby I had anticipated; it didn't take me long to rejoice for what we had. The duct closed off and the hole in Logan's heart healed. We returned home after 11 days in the hospital.

Something tremendous did happen in my life! I'm not sure of God's complete plan, but I do know that Logan was sent to us to strengthen our faith and love. In return, we are to strengthen the faith of those around us by sharing what God has done for us.

Update: July 1999

It's been nearly a year since I wrote the above. It's been quite a roller coaster ride, but what a thrill! Logan has touched so many lives and has been such a blessing. He will soon be 14 months old and is truly loved by everyone he meets. He is so "in tune" to people. He looks right in their eyes with his big, beautiful, blue eyes and smiles with all his heart and soul. People feel the love he conveys immediately. Even complete strangers comment about his wonderful disposition and want to pick him up and hug him.

One of my very best friends made a comment right before Logan's first birthday that was so true. She said, "too bad we didn't have a little window, back when he was in the NICU, to see how Logan is right now at this moment. We wouldn't have been nearly as scared or worried!!" I told her she was exactly right. But, just maybe God didn't want us to know right away. Maybe he wanted us to grow in faith. His plan worked. We grew in faith. We got closer to God, family, church, community, and have embraced our wonderful gift He gave us.

Logan took some time catching onto nursing. Pumping every three hours around the clock and spending at least 45 minutes trying to get it down through a tube, bottle or nursing was wearing me out. I had wonderful help at home, but I just couldn't kick a horrible headache. I even went through several tests to see if there was something seriously wrong with me. It finally went away when I began to get the nursing under control and get some much needed sleep.

We had quite a time getting therapies for Logan as well. He automatically qualified for First Steps. But, in Missouri a child has to be 50% delayed before receiving any services. Also, we live in a small, remote area. We were having difficulty finding anyone who had less than an hour and a half drive. By about four months, we began to receive regular physical therapy. He now gets physical, occupational and speech therapies once a week.

Logan rolled over exceptionally early, at three weeks, to our amazement. He didn't do it just once. Once he began, he just continued. We were all thrilled. He was going to be the exception to the rule. It took longer to hold up his head, but when he did, the whole family was in front of him cheering and shouting. It was quite an exciting moment!! You'd have thought he had won the Olympic gold medal. I heard my kids tell people at church and at school what Logan had done. It made me so proud.

Logan began to sit up at 7 months. He sat with his back so straight and tall, you could tell he thought he was something. He began to occassionally say, "mama" when he was upset, and, "dada" and, "bubba" to all of the siblings. Camille would say, "sissy" and Logan would come back with, "bubba." We all had to laugh.

About this time Clinton came into the kitchen where I was cooking supper. He said, "mom, I'm glad Logan has Down syndrome, because if he didn't, he wouldn't be Logan and he wouldn't be nearly as fun. I love him the way he is."

Logan was not sick once until he was 7 months old. Between 7 and 12 months, he had pneumonia, sinus infections, ear infections, sleep apnea, and the croup. I had to take a family medical leave from school. I feel it was mostly for my emotional well being and for my kids. I was having a hard time adjusting to all I had to cope with. The school administration was wonderful and I came back ready to go and finished the year successfully.

He's learned to eat solid foods very well. We've found he is allergic to milk products. It was causing constant congestion, fluid behind the ears (we had to have tubes), sleep apnea, and terrible eczema up his arms onto his shoulders. We've been off milk products about a month and all symptoms listed above have disappeared. Please keep us in your prayers. If they return, the next step is to have his adenoids removed.

Logan has now learned to get to sitting from the prone position. He can occassionally get to a standing from there as well. He can pull to a stand and stand alone for a minute or so. He's taken up to four steps on his own. He's doing quite extraordinarily!

On his first birthday, we hosted a wiener roast in our yard. Approximately 80 people from our family, neighborhood, church, community and school attended. We were so touched by all the love and support shown. People commented on how they felt special to be considered a part of the celebration. It is such an affirmation when we work together for a common cause so important, and that is to help Logan be all that he can be, and to allow him to help us to learn from his hard work and determination.

And, he is SO determined! When he is working on a new skill, he practices, and practices, and practices. He also wants to do it himself! I can tell already he's going to be a determined little guy!

I thought I'd add a list of things Logan likes and dislikes so you could get to know him a little better.

Logan loves:  

all types of foods, feeding himself graham crackers and Cheerios, giving sloppy kisses, especially with the tongue, laughing at siblings: Josh, Clinton and Camille, running in his Johnny Jump Up, pulling up to a stand, pulling clothes out of his drawer, pulling hair, holding up one finger to show he's now one, running over people's toes with his walker, swinging outside, taking a bath and splashing, giving hugs, sticking his finger up peoples noses and in their ears, to be tickled, playing pat-a-cake and the eensy weensy spider, to be read to, eating toys, to be rocked while being sung "Amazing Grace", waving bye-bye  

Logan doesn't like:  

lying on his stomach, physical therapy, having his face washed, having his nose wiped, doctors looking down his throat, taking his vitamins, cleaning gunk out of the corners of his eyes, being on his hands and knees 

I am now in the progress of getting my master's in early childhood special education. There is no one in our area that does this and we're not sending him anywhere further that our local school district. I've moved to the early childhood classroom for the next school year. I helped the superintendent write a child care grant which we received. Logan is able to come to school in the same building as I am and have one of my best friends as his child care provider. She took care of him three days a week last year and did a wonderful job with him. She did his therapies, read and sang to him, but most of all loved him. We are very fortunate to have things work out so well for us. We have Jesus and the prayers of all our friends to thank.

We'll keep you updated from time to time and keep adding pictures. I'm hoping to add some educational tips sometime in the near future. Thank you for reading our story. God bless you all!

Reflections October 2001

I've have several "mini stories" I'd like to share with you. So, I've decided to call them Reflections. They are a collection of thoughts, or momentous occasions I thought would be interesting to reading.

Amazing Grace from June 2000

I was working in the kitchen, and listening to music, as I often do, to help the time go by faster.  I chose Carmen's Greatest Hits (I think it is.)  Anyway, Logan, 20 months at the time, came up to me and started pulling on my pants leg.  I looked down, said, "hi bud!" and continued to work.  He was persistent though and kept pulling on me. So, I stopped cleaning and looked down at his face. I could tell he wanted to communicate something really important to me because he looked so intense.  It was then I heard the song that was playing.  It was "Amazing Grace."  Tears welled up in my eyes.  The reason is because that song has a lot of sentimental value for me.  It was the song we sang when our next door neighbor, a Baptist minister, led me to accept Christ.  It was one of my grandmothers favorite songs and it was played at her funeral.    But, the most unusual thing about it is that when Logan was just a newborn, he would fuss and cry through every lullaby or childhood song I knew. And believe me I know a lot since I'm a preschool teacher.  As soon as I'd sing Amazing Grace, he'd quiet down and would often go immediately to sleep.   One night when the kids were staying at their grandparents, grandma couldn't get Logan to settle down and go to sleep.  Camille, who was 8 at the time, told her that all she needed to do was to sing "Amazing Grace" and he'd go to sleep.  They did, and he did.  My mother-in-law was amazed.  It's so sweet to hear Logan's siblings singing the hymn in the van, when he's fussing about the car seat or the long drive.    When Logan came up to me to make sure that I had heard the song, I picked him up and he pressed his cheek to my cheek and we danced and sang until the song was through.  Isn't God amazing that He can make an innocent child with Down syndrome understand, appreciate, and enjoy the importance of one song.  How could anyone say that such sweet gifts from God are inferior?

The Universal Language February 2001

BASKETBALL!! You thought I was going to say "Love" didn't you? Sorry, but the universal language for this story is basketball. Logan, like so many other toddlers love playing ball. It was and is one of the very few words he uses consistently. Logan had sat through Clinton's 6th grade basketball season, and Josh's junior high basketball season cheering them on. He would watch them run up and down the floor ever since he could hold up his head, and this season was no different. Logan just couldn't wait for each game to be over so he could run out onto the gym floor and run where the BIG boys had. One night after watching our high school boys finish playing a game in our tournament, Logan ran out onto the court like he usually does. One of the players, an exchange student from the Czech Republic, was just coming out of the locker room. He looked exhausted, but he came over to Logan. They stood looking at each other for a second, checking each other out. Without a word, Logan rolled the ball to Peter. Peter bent over and picked up the ball. Logan turned his head and pointed his chubby little finger towards the goal. Peter walked over under the goal, Logan followed. Peter handed Logan the ball. Logan took the ball, raised both his arms straight towards the goal. Without missing a beat, Peter raised Logan over his six foot head towards the goal. Logan neatly placed the ball in the net. Logan let out a loud cheer for himself. Peter lowered Logan to the floor again. They gave each other a "five" and Peter left the gymnasium. Even though not a word was spoken, and no one witnessed it but myself, a wonderful mutual understanding was exchanged. Peter is back in the Czech Republic, but I'll never forget that moment of happiness he gave Logan.

Church Tales Summer 2001

One Sunday morning just as church services were over, I turned to speak with the lady sitting behind us in church. She was looking at Logan. She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "He is so endearing!" I was so touched, I could only say, "Thank you!"

I was visiting with another "Baseball Mom" at a summer ball game. She said that she just wanted me to know that last Sunday, she and her mother enjoyed watching Logan in church. Logan loves to move (sometimes energetically, sometimes gently) to the rhythm of the music. He also purses his lips and tries to sing,. It comes out as an "OOO." His brothers and sister are always trying to stifle a laugh at his antics. She went on to say that she and her mother both agreed that the church was very lucky to have such a special little guy in their congregation. I had always felt that our family was blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive church family during our good and bad times, but at that moment I realized they felt honored to have him as well.

Duck, Duck, Goose August 2001

Logan (turned 3 in May) went to Bible School for the first time.  I wasn't sure how well he would do. He'd not been in any structured educational environment before. But, the Bible School teacher was willing to let him come.  At the end of the evening I was told he did great! I was so relieved to hear that. He made a flower pot, glued macaroni on a cross and scribbled in his book.  The next day, Clinton and Camille were sitting on the floor in the family room.  Logan started walking around them in a circle, touching the tops of their heads saying, "duh, duh, duh" as he touched their heads.  Then he touched a head and shouted, "DUH!" at the top of his voice and started running and laughing hysterically. He then sat down in the circle for one of his sibs to go around the circle.  He was obviously playing "Duck, Duck, Goose" in which he had never played before.  We decided he must have learned it at Bible School and we were thrilled.  When we got to Bible School that night, I relayed my story to one of the workers.  I was told that the class did play "Duck, Duck, Goose", but Logan only observed and didn't participate.  I was nearly speechless.  I couldn't hardly believed he learned the game just by observing it the evening before.  Who ever said that children with Down syndrome can't generalize (take what they've learned in one environment and transfer it into another on?) I am so thankful to God for letting us experience and appreciate the little things in life!

First Time at School Stories Fall 2001

I was really apprehensive about Logan beginning school. He is the youngest in the class, and has Down syndrome, a known condition that usually causes developmental delays. With two strikes possibly against him, I didn't want to make any mistakes causing a third one. I knew he would need some extra help, possibly from a paraprofessional, but I didn't want him to be overly reliant on someone when he could do things for himself, and I didn't want the others to resent him for the "special attention" he would get. I did a lot of praying and began to prepare the class the spring before Logan would enter school. We talked about differences in people, children with special needs, and began using sign language. The children were very receptive, and the parents were enthusiastic about what they were learning. Logan and some of the other students that would be coming in the fall, made a few short visits during play time, and we scheduled a Play Day the week before school started.

We were fortunate that the school hired a lady I had worked with before, and had known since I was a child. I know from working with her in the past that she encourages children to be independent when they are able, but is willing to do whatever is needed when it's necessary. I also know that she can be just as stubborn as Logan can, and that's a good thing. We are very lucky to have Miss Carol as Logan's paraprofessional. The other students have been very accepting as well. If they have a question, we explain things honestly. That's okay with them and life goes on.

Every morning the preschoolers say the Pledge of Allegiance. Each day a different student has the "job" of leading the pledge. They stand with one hand holding up the flag and the other on their heart. It was a couple of weeks into the school year, and Logan hadn't had the job as the "pledge leader" yet. So, after school he walked over to the flag, put his left hand on the flag, and the right arm over his heart. He stood there looking towards where the students would be standing and said, "da, da, da" as he nodded his head to the rhythm. He understood the pledge even though he didn't have the ability to recite it yet.

As I stated before, we've been teaching sign language to the students, so they are able to communicate with Logan. We've been upfront with the children that Logan doesn't say a whole lot yet, and that we need to learn how to talk in his language. The children are soaking it up likes sponges. Not long after we began learning sign language, Logan was sitting at the opposite end of the lunch table than from where I was sitting. The little girl from the other side of the the table shouted, "Teacher, Logan says he wants some more!" Sure enough, when I went over to check out the situation, he was signing, "more drink." She interpreted what he wanted and let us know. It brought tears to my eyes!

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